Heart Scars
by wolfypuppypiles
Summary: "Tony, come out of there." Peppers voice was strained and Tony turned away, trying to ignore the tremor in her words. She couldn't get into his lab, he'd made sure of it. No one could get in and he wasn't coming out. Until Peter comes to save him (Set in an AU where Tony changed the timeline of infinity war to save everyone but he's the only one to remember when they lost)


(AN: This was written for a prompt but I have no idea who sent it. It wasn't on Tumblr it was just on my list so, if you sent it thank you and let me know.

the prompt was "Tony is depressed, self-destructive and drunk and accidentally hurts Peter"

so, I set this in an AU where Tony went back in time to save everyone and defeat Thanos but no one else remembers it)

"Tony, come out of there."

Peppers voice was strained and Tony turned away from it, trying to ignore the tremor so clear in her voice. She was on the other side of the door, hands pressing to the metal that kept her away.

She couldn't get into his lab, he'd made sure of it. No one could get in and he wasn't coming out.

"It's been weeks. I'm worried about you."

Tony was worried about himself too. Because he knew he was losing his mind. After the battle with Thanos, after they'd finally won Tony was the only one to remember the other timelines.

He remembered everything, every loss, every death and no one else did. No one knew how it felt to have his insides rot with guilt, to know that people's deaths were on his hands. Literally.

"Tony, please. Don't make me call for backup because I will."

He didn't reply, hand tightening on the half-empty whiskey bottle. He wished she would just go away. He didn't want to hurt her and that's why he needed to keep her away.

Her voice was harder when it came back and Tony closed his eyes against it. "Fine. But I warned you."

Her footsteps faded and Tony was alone again. He sighed and poured another glass, hoping to drink himself into a coma by the time Peppers 'backup' intervened. If they could get through the heavily reinforced and locked door that is.

The whiskey barely even burned when it went down, he'd been drinking too much to feel much of anything at all. He knew Pepper hated when he drank so much but he was sick of the nightmares.

Every night had the same horrible images running through his head, too vivid, too loud, too real to push past. And he didn't want to see Peters face turning to ash underneath him anymore.

Some nights he dreaded more than others, like the nightmares that were so lifelike, he could have believed they were real until they began to melt away.

He'd be in the compound with Peter, eating breakfast or working in the lab, something normal, something to put his mind at ease and make him think that everything was okay again.

But it wasn't okay, it was never okay. Because Peter would falter, face falling, terrified and he'd reach for Tony just like he did on that cursed planet.

"Mr Stark? I don't feel so good."

And no matter how tight Tony held him, no matter how badly he wanted him to stay, he'd disappear and Tony would be left with his ashes on his hands. He'd scream himself awake and have another panic attack so bad it made his chest ache and he'd remain awake until morning.

They got so bad that Tony dreaded sleep and he tried staying awake instead. He evaded sleep as best as he could, doing anything just to keep his eyes open a little longer but when you go without sleep for too long you start to hallucinate. And that was worse.

He was haunted by the fake Peter sobbing, brown eyes dripping tears as he screamed for help. "Mr Stark, please save me! Don't let me die!"

Tony could only press his back to the wall, hands pulling at his hair as he curled on the floor. "Go away! Peter, please, go away! You're not real!"

Then the voice was right next to his ear, angry and twisted. Dark in a way Peters real voice could never be. "You let me die! You killed me!"

Tony couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't live through that pain another night.

He knew Pepper was worried and he couldn't stand hearing her cry, not knowing if it was real or just another trick his mind was playing on him.

So, he drank himself into oblivion. He figured if he got drunk enough he would pass out and he wouldn't dream. Or maybe he'd just never wake up. He didn't know if he really cared anymore because he was almost sure he was in hell.

Maybe he had died on that shitty, dusty planet and all of that torture was his punishment. Tony was sure he deserved it.

He took another swig from the bottle, forgoing the glass entirely and felt his head spin and his shoulders slump. The alcohol made his body heavy and slow and his mind slippery and sleepy but still he didn't put the bottle down.

He drank even when Friday asked him to stop, her polite voice tinged with worry. "It is inadvisable to be drinking so heavily, boss. I recommend some water and maybe something to eat. I can have someone send something up if you like."

His tongue wasn't working so well and he waved a hand to get his point across. "No. Don' let anyyone in."

His perception of time was way off and he knew it but it seemed like only minutes before there was a knock at the door.

"Go 'way!"

The knock came again, the sound seeming to pound against his skull but there was a voice that came with it, timid and familiar. "Mr Stark?"

Peter. God no, he was the one person Tony absolutely did not want to see. His heart sped up painfully, and he leaned on his workbench, pressing his face into the folded pillow of his arms. "No, no, no. Not Peter. Anyone but him."

But the voice came again anyway, strained from behind the door. "Pepper asked me to come talk to you. She said you haven't come out for a while."

Tony squeezed his left hand into a fist, the other still wrapped tightly around the bottle. Maybe it was another hallucination. Maybe it would go away if he ignored it.

The voice sighed. "We're all really worried about you, Sir. Please, just let me in and we can talk about whatever's going on. I can help."

Tony groaned, the guttural, animalistic noise so unlike him, he almost didn't recognise it. "No! I don't neeeed your help, SSpiider-mann." He drew out the name mockingly, trying to push the kid away before he could even get inside but it still hurt to do it. He loved Spider-Man, he missed him but to even hear his voice was so painful. It was like twisting the glass stuck inside his heart, that Thanos had put there when he'd killed Peter.

But the kid was insistent, voice growing stronger from behind the door. "You can't keep me out. I'm coming in whether you like it or not. It's not healthy to do this to yourself. I won't let you."

Tony lifted his head from his arms as the familiar tones of the keypad played, muffled by the thick, reinforced doors. But Peter couldn't get through without the password and he didn't have it. Neither did Pepper.

Tony heard Peter curse and grumble and thought that would be the end of it, only to hear the creaking of metal instead.

His vision was pretty hazy at best, the whiskey blurring his vision and making his eyelids droop but he was pretty sure the door was being crushed.

The lab was filled with the horrible groan of metal being forced to bend before the door gave up and snapped right off the hinges. Tony jumped in fright, flinching backwards and almost spilling his drink when the door fell to the ground, clanging against the hard floor and hurting Tony's head further.

"I told you I could get in."

Tony's chest tightened and his mind began to scream at him to get out, escape, don't let Peter anywhere near-

The teenager's footsteps were soft on the cold floor and Tony turned his face away, not wanting to see him.

"Get out."

Peter sighed, voice thick with emotion that stabbed at Tony's chest more than the kid could know. "I know the battle was…" he didn't have the words and he shook his head and moved past it, taking a step towards his mentor.

"But we won. We're okay."

Something in Tony's throat choked him and he kept his tensed shoulders, facing away from the kid with his face down. "No."

Peter stepped closer unaware of the pain it caused Tony. "You'll be okay too. Just let me help."

Tony shook his head again, hand tightening on the whiskey. "You need to leave."

The glass in his heart twisted as he forced the words from his mouth. "I don't want you here."

Peters footsteps paused at that and he was quiet for a moment before his voice came back, disappointed and tired. "You've been drinking. Give me the bottle, Mr Stark."

Tony shook his head, pressing his fingers to the glass until his fingertips went white. "No. Get out."

But he was determined, his sweet voice bringing back those memories from Titan. 'I don't feel so good'

"You can't sit here and drink yourself to death. People still need you. I need you."

Tony squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his teeth as another memory sprang forth. 'Please, I don't wanna go'

"Get lost, kid! I don't need you!" With each word he hurled at the teenager the more he hated himself but every time Peter spoke he disturbed the drunkenly calmed waters of Tony's mind. Each word from his mouth was another wave of memory and pain that lapped against Tony's skull, getting bigger and bigger, harder to control and if Peter didn't leave they would overtake Tony and he would drown.

"Give me the bottle. Please, I can't watch you do this to yourself."

Tony spun in his chair and lifted his arm, whipping the whiskey bottle towards Peters' head as his voice roared from him. "THEN DON'T! YOU'RE NOT MY KID, I'M NOT YOUR DAD, JUST LEAVE!"

Thank god his aim was off. The bottle soared across the room and missed Peter by a few inches, smashing into the wall beside the teenager. Peter flinched as glass sprayed everywhere, face turning to his shoulder and arms coming up to protect his face.

Too late.

Tony's guilt-filled stomach threatened to empty itself as the kid turned, slowly bringing his face back up to look at him.

Shit. Tony sucked in a breath as he watched a thick rivulet of blood roll down Peters' cheek, spilling from where a shard of glass was embedded just below his eye.

He could have been blinded and Tony wished he could have taken it all back, the bottle, the words, the whole damn battle but there was nothing he could do but watch Peter. His eyes were wide with fright and wet with tears, eyebrows creased and Tony could see the heartbreak in his brown eyes even from across the room.

Pepper appeared in the doorway, voice admonishing before she gasped and reached for Peter. She must have been waiting just behind the door the whole time.

"Tony! Oh my god. Peter, your face."

Tony had never despised himself more. He had hurt the kid, again after promising himself to never let anything happen to him. His stomach rolled at the sight of blood rolling down Peters cheek to drip off his chin and he quickly grabbed the trash can by his bench and fell to his knees beside it.

He could barely hear anything over the sounds of his own gags and heaves but caught the last of Pepper and Peters quiet conversation.

"-o sorry. He doesn't mean anything he says, I promise."

"I shouldn't have come. I'll see Bruce for my cheek and then go home. I'm sorry I broke the door."

"No, Peter wait-"

Tony's stomach clenched so hard he thought it may cramp and he gripped the sides of the bin as he heaved, Peters footsteps barely audible as he left.

His vision wobbled again, black spots dancing in front of his eyes as Peppers expensive shoes tapped against the floor towards him.

"I can't believe you, Tony. He cares about you, he was so worried! He's been calling every day asking about you and you just broke his heart!"

Tony's stomach twisted sharply and he gasped, trying not to gag again as he moaned, face hovering above the bin. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Pepper. I just can't do this anymore."

Pepper sank to her knees beside the mechanic at the sound of his voice breaking and the sight of the tears on his cheeks. Her hand found his back as her voice lost its stability.

"Let us help you. That's all we want. Let us save you for once."

Tony shook all over, from the alcohol or his tears he didn't know but he knew that he couldn't keep everyone out anymore. There was too much weight on his shoulders to carry alone and he needed help.

"Okay."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

It had been a long recovery period. Giving up alcohol cold turkey for someone who was a chronic alcoholic was...not a pleasant experience. With the shaking and fever and the non-stop upchucking Tony was sure he was dying but he made it through to the other side in time for his new therapy sessions.

Dr Thomas Hayward was trusted with secrets Tony hadn't even told Pepper, and he was honest enough that Tony didn't get pissed off with his advice.

"Tony, I can't even imagine the shit that you've seen but I know that you blaming yourself for all of it is stupid. You're supposed to smart so don't start with that bullshit. Do you care about Spider-Man?"

"More than I'd like to admit."

"And you did everything you could to save him?"

"Of course I did!"

"Then why is it your fault?"

Tony didn't have an answer for that. And Thomas carried on instead. "Maybe you prefer to blame yourself for not having done everything you could, in order to feel like you have some control. But you don't Tony, we cannot predict what's going to happen and we can't always protect our loved ones from everything. It's a scary concept, I know. But it's one that you need to accept."

Tony sighed and massaged his bad hand, pressing his fingers into the joint of his thumb. "He died in my arms. I felt him turn to ash and...that terrified look on his face is all I can see when I look at him. I know I changed it so that never happened but it still happened to me and I don't even know how to tell him why I can't stand hearing his voice anymore."

Dr Hayward leaned back in his chair. "He seems like a good kid. I'm sure he'd understand if you told him you were having a rough time. He really cares about you, Tony and I think it might help you to start talking to him again."

Of course, the kid cared, he'd been sending texts and letters and a box of homemade brownies at one point. Tony still got that pang of pain through his chest whenever he saw or heard from the kid but he had to admit it was helping more than he thought it would.

Seeing the videos Peter sent him alleviated some of the worry that he hadn't been able to let go of. Because what if Peter got hurt again? What if he disappeared again? Tony knew he couldn't go through that a second time but when he saw the videos of Peter and Ned hanging out, laughing over jokes they were making and telling Tony to get better soon, it helped.

Seeing the selfies Peter took with criminals he stopped or the little videos he took while he swung through the city made Tony a little more confident in Peters ability to thrive wherever he was.

The kid was still going to school and being a superhero at the same time. He still took care of his aunt and made sure he was a good friend and even when Tony could see how tired Peter was in his videos he still soldiered on. No matter what happened.

Tony had started to look forward to Peters messages and Snapchat stories, although the kid was the only reason he had the app. And every time he saw that smile and bright eyes, and the healed cheek, he felt like he might be able to forgive himself for everything that he'd done.

It took time and patience but Tony was healing, he was getting better. But that didn't mean he wanted to be Iron-Man.

For a long time his suits had made him feel strong and in control but after Thanos and Titan it just reminded him of all the ways he'd suffered because of it.

The suit was embedded into his skin, it was a part of him but he couldn't be the hero anymore. He couldn't go running into danger when he lost someone every time. He wasn't going to let anyone else pay for his mistakes. He'd stay out of it and stay safe.

At least that's what he told himself.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Peter was crying, begging Tony not to leave him but Tony's feet wouldn't move from where they were planted on the floor of the spaceship.

Tears ran down his scratched and bleeding face, eyes wide pools of sorrow and desperation.

"Please, Mr Stark! Don't leave me here! I don't want to be alone!"

Tony felt tears wet his own face but he could say nothing, remaining at the window of the ship as it began to move away, leaving Peter on the dead planet to die.

He wanted to reach out and grab him, he wanted to run right over to him and wrap him up in his arms and tell him everything was okay. But he was stuck still and they were leaving.

Tony gasped awake, jolting up in his bed as his hands curled into fists in his sheets. His heart was racing a mile a minute and he quickly closed his eyes and tried to even out his breaths before he caused a panic attack.

Pepper shifted next to him, hand finding his back and rubbing soothingly. "You okay, Tony?"

The mechanic nodded and calm his noisy gasps before something else caught his attention.

Friday was sending an alert to his phone, screen lighting up the room as it beeped irritatingly.

The AI's smooth voice was not as soothing as it usually was. "Spider-Man is in danger. He is currently falling off a building at a speed of-"

Tony didn't wait to be told how fast Peter was hurtling towards earth, flinging off his blankets and activating his suit. Pepper sat up in bed, calling after him as the suit enveloped his body but Tony didn't stop, not even saying goodbye before soaring off into the night.

"Where is he? Can I get to him in time? Why isn't his parachute opening?"

The wind whipped past him as he flew at speeds that would make anyone else hurl and Friday's voice was a welcome reprieve from the still beeping alarm.

"He is nearby, unconscious and you will be able to catch him before he hits the ground. He was hit in the back rather hard and the parachute is malfunctioning."

Tony's heart beat as fast as he flew, and he just hoped he could keep his cool long enough to save the kid.

Friday directed him to the falling hero and when Tony saw him plummeting from a giant skyscraper he boosted his jets, soaring across the street to get him.

Peter was hurtling towards the ground at speeds that Tony didn't even want to think about but he certainly felt it as his body slammed into Peters, catching the kid in midair.

He wrapped his arms around the boy, pressing him to his chest and making sure one of his hands was behind the teenagers head as he flew up to the top of the building.

He landed on the roof and knelt, lowering Spider-Man to the ground before tearing his mask off.

"Peter? Can you hear me?" His voice was shaking and he was sure his hands were too as he pressed two fingers to Peters' throat.

A strong pulse beat against his fingertips and Tony sighed, holding his hand over the kid's mouth to feel his slow puffs of air.

"You are so lucky you're not dead. Come on buddy, wake up."

While Tony was eager for the little arachnid to wake up he didn't miss the welt across Peters' forehead. The poor kid must have been hit pretty hard.

Tony curled his fingers and rubbed his knuckles over Peters' sternum, raising his voice to rouse the young hero. "WAKE UP! Peter, come on don't do this."

Tony's heart calmed just a little when Peter groaned, eyebrows creasing in pain.

"That's it, come back to me, kiddo. If you keep me waiting any longer I'm going to have an anxiety attack and that'll be on you."

Peter moaned again, turning his head and pulling his clumsy hands up to bat Tony's away. "Hmm stop. Hurts."

"That's the point. I'm trying to make sure you don't slip into a coma."

Peter grunted again, eyebrows pulling down in confusion this time. "Mr Stark?"

"Yeah, it's me. Open those baby...browns for me and let me know you're not brain damaged." Tony's tone was snarky but he could still feel the rush of adrenaline and fear in his veins. If Peter wasn't completely and one hundred percent okay he was going to lose it.

Peter took a careful breath and opened his eyes to slits, hands coming up to hold Tony's that still lay on his chest. "What are you doing here?"

Tony blinked, annoyed. "Saving your spandex covered ass! What are you doing falling from a building? What, did you run out of webs half-way down?"

Peter opened his eyes wider as they adjusted to the glow of Tony's suit. He shook his head lightly, wincing at the pain it caused. "No, I ugh, ow. I was fighting some guy on the roof. He was using some high tech weapons that he stole from Toomes' old place. He got a few good hits in and slowed me down. He must have hit me in the head and then thrown me over."

"Fine, I'll have Friday track him using security cameras and you can go after him another time. For now, let's get you to Bruce. He needs to check you over."

Tony didn't even notice his fingers tightening on Peters suit until the teenager gently squeezed his hands, voice quiet. "You're shaking."

Tony sucked in a trembling breath and slumped back on his haunches. "Yeah, that's what happens when I wake up from a nightmare to immediately get an emergency alert from Friday that you're falling to your death. Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack."

Peter sat up, having the gall to look worried as he gripped Tony's hands in his. "Are you okay? Do you need me to call someone?"

Tony closed his eyes, hating the way his breaths were coming too fast and out of control. "No, I'm not okay. You almost died again and I still haven't even gotten over the first time and I- fuck." Just what he needed. A panic attack in front of Peter.

Tony kept his eyes closed so he couldn't see the look on Peters' face but from his tone, he knew he was worried. "Do you want me to distract you?"

Tony nodded, hands tightening on Peters. "Yeah, just-gasp-slow."

Peter made a little humming noise as he thought of something to say before he piped up excitedly. "Oh! Did you see the videos I sent you?"

Tony nodded and Peters' voice came back with a hint of glee, probably at the fact that Tony had actually watched them.

"And the one about the lightsabers Ned and I got?"

Tony nodded again and Peter carried on.

"Well, we were playing with them today and battling each other. Ned was going to be a Jedi but I made us flip for it so, he ended up on the dark side but anyway we were fighting each other and doing the sound effects and I ended up breaking Ned's on accident. We fixed it after, so it's fine but it was pretty funny. Liz came down to visit the decathlon team so, she filmed it."

Tony surprised both himself and Peter when a laugh burst from his mouth. "What? Show me."

He opened his eyes, breaths coming easier as Peter pulled out his phone and played the video.

Tony watched as Peter swung his lightsaber at Ned, kicking stupidly and being dramatic before he accidentally hit his foot against Ned's glowing red toy, snapping the handle right off and sending the rest smacking against the concrete.

Ned laughed as Peter rolled on the ground, Liz's voice amused as she called him an idiot.

Peter pointed to the screen, defensive. "I kicked behind me, he saw my foot coming. He should have moved his hand. So, if anyone's the idiot there its-"

Tony cut him off, wrapping his arms around the kid and pressing him to his chest. Peter took a moment to hug him back, surprised voice high and happy. "Mr Stark? I guess you're feeling better."

Tony laughed, mouth pressed to Peters' hair as he squeezed him tight. "I missed you, kid."

Peters' arms wrapped tightly around Tony's back, his eyes closed as he answered, voice soft. "I missed you too."

Peter felt so solid and warm in Tony's arms and a brief flare of agony shot through his chest at the memory of when he hadn't been but he pushed it down and just breathed against the kid instead.

After a moment he felt more stable and he released the boy, pulling back to see that worried face. "Peter...I'm so sorry for how I acted last time I saw you. I should never have said those things, I didn't mean them. It was just easier to push you away than to see you and remember all the bad things I was trying to forget. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I never wanted that."

Peter shrugged, the corner of his mouth pulling up into an adorable reassuring smile. "I forgive you. Bruce patched up my cheek and there's not even a scar. I knew you didn't mean it, anyway. You were dealing with a lot when we got back. I wasn't mad, I just wanted you to get better."

"Thanks, I know there's no excuse for hurting you like that but-" Peter shook his head and looked down at his hands.

"No, I get it. I could tell you were hurting. It was just like when Uncle Ben died. May had that same...heaviness in her voice that you did in the lab. I don't know what happened to you in that other timeline but I knew it was bad."

Tony swallowed nervously, trying to find the right words to explain. The rest of the Avengers knew that Tony had gone back and changed the timeline to save everyone but he never told them what exactly had happened or the horrible fate he'd saved them from. Peter didn't know he'd died.

"Yeah, it was bad. I…" He looked at Peter, those brown eyes watching the night sky as he sat cross-legged beside the mechanic. He looked so young and Tony could still hear the crack in his voice when he'd said those awful words.

'I don't wanna go.'

Tony swallowed and continued, voice hollow. "I lost someone. Someone important."

Peter looked at him but his expression didn't change when he saw the moisture in Tony's eyes. He knew.

He nodded and looked out at the sky again, sighing. "Yeah. I figured."

Tony wanted to apologise but Dr Hayward's voice in his head told him there was nothing to apologize for. He'd saved the kid, saved the universe. There was no need for sorry's.

So, he sat quietly beside Peter until the boy spoke again. "Hey, Mr Stark?"

Tony looked at him, finding an imploring gaze waiting. "Yeah?"

"If you were going through all that why didn't you ask for help?"

Tony shifted off his knees to sit and cross his legs, leaning back on his hands. "I didn't want anyone seeing me weak like that especially you and Pep. I have to be strong and keep everything together. I have people relying on me."

Peter frowned and lifted a hand to exemplify his point.

"One: I'm stronger than you. Two: Asking for help is strong. The only reason I was even remotely okay during that whole battle thing was that you were there."

Tony's head whipped around, surprised. "Really? You never told me that."

Peter side eyed him but it held no malice.

"You never told me you needed help."

Tony looked away. He hadn't exactly been around for Peter to talk to. He changed the focus, not wanting to talk about him anymore. "I thought you liked space."

Peter shrugged, eyes following the blinking light of a plane arching across the sky. "I do but...from far away? I love going on missions with you, Mr Stark but that one was just...it was a lot. I still get nightmares about that giant purple guy."

Tony closed his eyes, hand rubbing across his forehead. "I'm sorry, kid."

Peter shook his head, quickly amending. "Don't be, it's not your fault. I'm just saying...every time I have a nightmare it always ends the same way."

Tony frowned watching Peters face in the moonlight. "How?"

He turned, face open and calm as if what he was saying wasn't everything Tony needed to hear. "You save me."

Tony couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face or the tears that pricked at his eyes. He should have talked to Peter sooner, of course, he'd manage to heal his heart with just a few words.

Tony didn't know what to say, so he simply rubbed a hand over Peters' hair and pulled him in for a side hug.

The teenager settled against his side, happily as he broke the silence once more.

"You don't have to tell me everything that happened and if you never wanted to go on another mission again, I understand but...you're my hero either way. And next time you need help just call me and I'll swing right over. Cause I'm a friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man; that's what I do, right?"

Tony squeezed the kid tight, smile fitting on his face for the first time in a long time. "That's right. Thanks, Pete."

(Let me know what you think? Also the video Peter shows tony on the roof actually exists. Tom and Jacob were playing with lightsabers and yeah its cute as hell. I saw it on tumblr and you can watch it here post/176431413981/starksparker-theyre-actually-their-characters

also, ya'll we all go through dark times in our lives but they don't last forever and if you or someone you know are going through something don't be afraid to ask for help. It's not a sign of weakness. Love you all.)


End file.
